Only Love
by K. Petra
Summary: "Marry me," she says. But Lexa only smiles gently at the little girl she's carrying on her back. "Let's wait for you to grow a little, okay?" Or Clarke reincarnates with full memories of her past life intact. She searches for Lexa, vowing to right the wrongs when Lexa died much too soon in their last life. Problem is...Lexa can't really take kid!Clarke seriously.
1. Chapter 1

"I love you."

She says, and you pull away, lips burning. Scorching.

It is much too soon. The feelings are much too raw. The color in her eyes rubs onto your skin, seeps into your mind like stains from the lush green plants that have constantly surrounded you ever since you came to earth.

She is too real, and yet you're falling, spinning out of orbit, like in a dream.

No. She is a vision. She will disappear like everything else in your life.

 _Dad. Wells. Finn._

She'd lived her entire life on the ground. She's too different from you. She would never understand how the arc has always kept around the earth, constantly falling but never reaching because of the planet's curves.

She would never know why you _hate_ falling.

"I can't. I'm...not ready."

You tell her, but you never mention how losing her would probably hurt the most.

Better stop now, before it is too late.

Her eyes are on you.

Green, green...

The color surrounds you even after you left.

* * *

"I love you."

She says, "I made the decision with my head, and not my heart."

You're pretty sure that a part of you understands. A part of you realizes you would have probably done the same.

And yet it hurts...

It hurts.

You ground yourself with the stinging you feel in your chest, your eyes.

You tell yourself you hate her.

Every day, you hate her, and hate yourself for what you have become.

You will never forgive her, because in doing so, you would have to forgive yourself, and the monster she has made of you...the things you have done.

Sometimes you think you can see red in your hands.

But green...

Green haunts you regardless.

Green envelops you in each breath. Green keeps you running.

Green tells you to _go._

* * *

 _I love you._ "I'm sorry."

She says, and offers you a choice to leave even after she has found you again.

Or did you find her? Or did Roan guide you to each other?

Your heart clenches in pain and you wish she'd die, you wish you'd die.

Instead all you do is hurt her. Your words destroy her.

You tell yourself you don't care.

All of her promises are only lies, and you hate the way you understand her, because you are a liar too. Except you're even better, and these days she looks at you with dull, lifeless green...

And you just had to wonder who that decision at the mountain had destroyed more.

Not for the first time, she rushes towards danger without fearing for her life and you realize that she honestly believes no one would care if she were to die.

 _"I hate you,"_

You insist, even as she thanks you for coming to watch her fight.

You're not sure if you'd said the words aloud when all of a sudden Roan guides you to her again-

because your heart drops when his weapon nearly takes her from you.

The crowd roars when she wins, and her eyes darken to black.

You should have probably taken it as an omen.

* * *

"That's why I..." _love you._

She says, but you stop her from saying anything else because you know and she knows you will never reply.

What could have been and what should have been between the two of you will never happen because you will never let yourself make the same mistake.

Green is back and green is alive with desire and passion. Yet her dress is black and it bothers you somehow.

When you kiss her, push her back, she falls...

But you keep yourself from falling with her. She brings you higher, higher, and you swallow her attempts at promising you anything more meaningful.

Desires of the flesh are all that could be between the two of you.

And she gets it, you think...

Because even as you no longer tell her you hate her, those darkened lines of pain still streaks within her eyes.

You do not swear fealty to her the same way she does to you.

You will always belong to your people. You are only with her for the well-being of your people.

She gets it, and stops trying to tell you _I love you_

She doesn't say anything, actually, before you leave.

* * *

I love you. "We don't have to say anything at all."

So she doesn't.

You'd promised yourself to stop falling, but the world comes crashing down as green turns to black and the gunshot echoes in your ears.

Green turns to black

and black

and black

and black

and...there's too much on your hands, not enough in her veins.

She gets it, doesn't tell you I love you how much she cares, yet it permeates through every word in every sentence, in every utterance of your name.I love you

She's worried about you. She loves you

She'd already done everything she could to take care of you and your people, even when she's no longer there. She loves you

You should not be afraid. She loves you

She says too much without saying it at all, and when she takes her last breath you realize that the last thoughts in her mind are of you and only you.

She'd chosen you over her people.

She'd chosen you, and she didn't get it, and damn it all this time you'd never let her know you love her

Then green is gone and black beckons red.

More people die than ever before. Without her the city burns, burns, burns...

You are not falling, but the world itself comes crashing down.

You hold the last part of her, a chip in your hands, realizing that you never told her I love you

And she died thinking no one does.

Has anyone ever told her that at all?

Had Costia?

* * *

Amidst the chaos, your heart is silent.

You are very alone.

Suddenly you realize, she had chosen you over her people.

You never chose her over yours.

 _Because you were so stubborn. Because you were such a liar. Because you let her die thinking you never loved her._

And there you are, fighting still, sacrificing her still, for your people.

You enter the city of light not daring to hope that you would see her again.

You enter the city of light and she saves you again, so before you see her for the last time you pull her back and catch the last glimpse of green.

"I love you,"

You say.

But she doesn't return it because _she died never knowing it at all_ , and the her that exists in the chip is merely an imitation.

A Lexa who doesn't understand that you love her because the real one never received it.

You let the green fade, once again, and you wake up when the world fades to grey.

You pray that you will meet her again, and next time...she would know you loved her from the beginning.

* * *

The universe doesn't disappoint.

You meet her again...

Much earlier in your life this time.

Now if only sixteen year old Lexa can take eleven year old you seriously.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Prologue II:**_

 _I'll always be with you."_

Dad says, "I'm here, just as promised," and your heart swells with warmth as a large, callused hand reaches to grab your tiny fingers when he walks you home after your first day of school.

A lazy breeze caresses your cheeks, and you skip a little, swinging your arms and his.

The painful memories you have of him are too difficult for your young mind understand.

But even when his voice is the first you ever hear in this life, and in each step you take he's been with you as you learn to crawl, to walk, to run...

You're still in awe that he's alive.

You look up to him the way all children admire their parents, shining eyes and open mouthed-

Lost for words and unsure how to explain why you cried when he left you at the school's doorsteps.

You don't know how to say you don't want him out of your eyesight; don't want him to be too far away, in case he is forced to go where you cannot follow.

He'll never know that it is not school that troubles you.

"Let's stop for ice cream," he suggests, and just like that he takes your fears and lets them go.

You nod eagerly, basking in the joy of his company.

Rejoicing in the fact that he's alive once more, and no doubt that in this world, there probably wouldn't be anything to take him away from you any time soon.

For the first few years of your life, Dad is the center of your world.

You're happy.

Cold vanilla treat on your lips-

Sometimes you don't hear the songs of leaves between the trees,

The cracking of dying flames,

Nor the voice whispering promises from long ago.

 _Clarke, I..._

* * *

 _"I'll always be with you."_

Mom encourages, handing you paints in various shades of green and brown.

In this life, Mom is no longer such a stickler for rules.

Children should be creative and free so they can learn who they want be as they grow into themselves.

She lets you run too fast. Reach too far. Climb too high.

So when you trip and fall on rough concrete, specks of dirt and blood covering stinging knee...

Mom doesn't scold you, doesn't frown.

She holds you in her arms whispering words of endearment as she reassures you of her presence.

Later, she watches you color with the new brushes she just bought and waits for you to be distracted before inserting the tetanus shot into your arm.

"See, that wasn't so bad was it?"

She smiles, handing a band-aid over for Dad to place on your skin.

There is so much peace and so much care between them that you don't know what to make of it.

You're too young to grasp what the images mean from your past life, but you know that the universe is probably paying you back in this one.

Slowly, your soul is healing.

You forget the feelings of tragedy, betrayal, hurt...

And you can't help but wonder,

Do gentle hands brush her dark brown tresses each morning

Do quickly moving fingers tickle her into a laugh that you've never heard

Does she have anyone to care for her...

Is she healing too?

 _Lexa, please just..._

* * *

 _"I'll always be with you."_

"-because friends are forever!" Octavia and Raven yell at the same time.

You shake your head at their antics but smile nonetheless. Ever since first grade the three of you have been inseparable.

It doesn't matter whether with friends or family, _you are never alone_.

Between lunch time gatherings and tree-house clubs, the house is full of excited chatter and playful shouts.

Being a child again gives you the freedom of irresponsibility that you had never experienced before, and being the only one with past memories allows you the insight that most children lack.

You're not really sure how it feels for everyone else, but you're pretty sure that there must be someone who feels the same when they recall their childhood memories.

Because in your mind, you have always been simply...Clarke.

Grown up Clarke, or child Clarke, you are one and the same.

You are a delightful angel for some, wise beyond her years. You are a mischievous demon to those expecting less from someone your age.

The result is that a lot of kids look up to you, while adults regard you with a careful wariness.

People expect a lot from you. In a crowd you stand at the center, highly regarded... _never alone._

But you promise yourself you will never again lead even when you grow older.

You wish for someone who could keep up beside you. Someone who can understand the secrets of your heart, the haunted cries of your memories, or the hopefulness in each new step you take.

 _You are never alone_...

But that did not mean that you were never lonely.

Some nights you wake up breaking into cold sweat, wondering why everyone has showed up, except her.

Perhaps it is your emotions influencing your thoughts.

You picture her- serious and commanding despite her age.

You think she would be young but resourceful, surrounded by love ones but detached because of her past memories.

You grow up with imaginary her in mind; she'd be your age, always searching for her other half. Searching for _you._

Sometimes you'd be selfish and wish for a world where only the two of you exist. At the very least, it would be easier for find her. And just like in her previous life, separated from the rest of the world, you two are together alone. Surely, she is enough.

Then you look at your family, your friends, your people...

You falter. You have a happy life. You shouldn't wish for more.

But it doesn't stop you from turning from the sound of Wells throwing his dog a stick as the image of the swinging of her double swords comes to mind.

* * *

 _"I'll always be with you."_

You don't remember if it was your promise or hers.

But you do know you're meant to be together, and ever since you could make sense of your memories you had imagined the different scenarios in which you two would meet.

Perhaps she'd transfer to your third grade class one day, and the two of you catch up on each other's lives while climbing monkey bars and racing through the track.

Or maybe you'd meet in the library while working on your senior thesis. Between cups of coffee and late night studying you'd fall together, her name on the college football t-shirt you're wearing.

Sometimes you fear meeting her too late or not at all. You'd both be old and grey, liquid regret at the corner of your eyelids as you hold each other with shaking hands, wishing for things that could have been.

Of course, nothing could prepare you for when it actually happens.

Wells invites you to a high school play that he has been building the set for. You come with your parents, respectful, even if a bit bored.

She reaches your ears and your heart before you even see her.

Her voice is a breath of air. The fluidity of water. The passion of fire. The mellow consistency of earth.

You feel puppy love at its finest, perhaps?

Or is it the kind that breaks all boundaries, age, gender, space, time and all?

She sings and your world stops, then restarts anew.

Everything falls into place.

* * *

 _ **Chapter One: First Encounter**_

You are only eleven.

A peculiar age where you're no longer entirely a child, yet the onset of hormones and teenage emotions have not yet begun.

You're an awkward, stumbling mess of a pre-teen.

And she...

Well.

The old soul in you curses when she stands on the high school stage, face softer and younger than you remember her, but tall and almost an adult nonetheless.

You groan in your seat, then curse again when green eyes show no recognition.

In fact, she doesn't notice you at all even as you sit in the front row, gaping.

Her song climbs higher and lower. She stands, an angel in white within a circle of flowers.

Then the musical play ends and everyone rushes forward to congratulate her by the front door.

Honestly, you would have waited.

There's plenty of time. You're both young.

It wouldn't hurt to wait a little for you to grow up, or...at least think of a plan to approach her somehow.

Yet a beautiful girl with long black hair approaches with a box of what could only be chocolate and a fondness in her eyes that only thing you can think of is: this is a love confession waiting to happen.

It may be the childish part of you thinking, but Lexa is yours, yours, yours.

To hell with timing; she will have to wait for you to grow up. In the mean time no one can take her heart before you do.

Still. How can a stranger-kid draw their attention?

Before you know it you've left your parents far behind.

Thinking quickly, you snatch some of the unlit candles from the set that you know Wells will not miss, and you cut in between the girls, eyes wide and as innocent as you've ever learned to make them.

Green meets blue.

"If I give you these, will you be mine?"

The chocolate-bearing girl deflates in the back, moment and courage taken away from her before she can figure out what exactly happened.

The part of you that doesn't feel guilty for the poor girl smiles at your success.

You're still young enough for sudden declarations like these to be cute and forgivable. And just as you expect, the people around you sigh and coo in adoration.

Your eyes are trained on Lexa, however, as she stands frozen; unsure of how to reply.

No one would ever reject a kid who doesn't know better, right?

* * *

Apparently Anya would.

"That's it. Show's over. Go home. Stop blocking the exit, kid!"

Appearing from seemingly nowhere, she smacks the back of your head lightly, ushering everyone else away at the same time.

She has no idea that you'd waited all your life for this. You can't stop now.

Insistent on your task, you throw her a glare before reaching over to place the candles in Lexa's hands.

But the older teen's arms are longer than yours. She grabs onto you in attempt to force you away from the crowd you're attracting. The ensuing scuffle finds you fighting tooth and nail while Anya half-drags and half carries you, Lexa looking on at her friend unsure who to help.

By accident, the waving of your hand and roughness of her pulling causes the watch on your wrist to unfasten and fly off.

It falls to the ground, shattering upon impact amidst the eyes of many onlookers. At that moment, you know Anya has lost.

You take the chance immediately, crouching down and allowing the frustration you feel to show in your eyes, wet and sad.

"That was...the watch my father gave me for my birthday."

What you say is true, even if the emotion behind it is misplaced.

Your mind draws up images of another time. Another watch that you would have risked your life to keep.

Your cries are half false and half real, tears you never allow yourself in that other life now flowing freely.

There is no shame. After all, crying is the one thing allowed to kids that adults cannot easily do. You still have a year or two of that entitlement left.

"Oh, God." Anya sighs, surrendering to patting your back awkwardly.

She hands you over to Lexa, who breaks out of her shocked silence to look at you with hesitant green eyes.

You peek at her, winking in assurance behind Anya's back when Lexa notices how clear your eyes are.

She gasps.

"You-"

The candles are hastily pressed into her hands before she could finish her sentence, and you catch sight of your parents approaching.

"It's a promise, okay? We'll meet again."

You run off while she calls out to you, your mind already racing on how you'd make a better impression next time.

Just she wait.

Lexa will remember you again.

* * *

As your parents usher you away you notice the faint blush on her cheeks when she subtly admires and pockets the candles.

You grin in triumph.

It might not be because of you.

But some things never change after all.

* * *

End.

 **A/N:** Thanks for reading! Reviews/favs/follows are deeply appreciated. An extra Thank You for soulterror, Artemis, and Guest for reviewing. Yes, I will be continuing this. The wonderful feedback I've been getting has been inspiring me to keep going.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter Two: Too Tall**_

For a short period of time following your first encounter with her, you refrain from actively seeking Lexa no matter how much your heart yearns to see her again.

You've always been familiar with how quickly time can flow.

You can't even count the multitudes of times you've been pushed by the high and low currents of life.

People who are with you one day might no longer be there the next; events in your life never play out the way you think it would.

So you don't plan to draw out the wait, knowing that the sooner you meet her again, the more time you get to spend with her.

But you also realize that the current Lexa doesn't remember you.

Forcibly clinging on would only probably annoy her. Your age would only drive her away.

The only proper way, then, would be to think of a reason for her to be with you...naturally. Something that is of her own choice.

In the mean time, you prepare yourself to be compatible with her.

Now if only that wasn't so difficult.

Why are high school girls so tall anyway?

* * *

A snicker interrupts you from your thoughts, and you look across the dinner table to see Dad openly staring at you with mirth in his eyes.

Beside him, your mother is hiding a smirk by nibbling on a small piece of steak. The occasional twitch at the corner of her lips gives her away, however, and you groan.

You glare at your plate of vegetables angrily.

You have a passion for food.

There is no deny.

Your defense is that for the first seventeen years of your past life, the food you'd experienced on the Ark was bland at best.

Spices were extremely rare. Sweets and desserts were almost nonexistent.

And with the constant rationing of supplies, there was only enough food to stave everyone from hunger.

The concept of full-ness in the stomach did not exist.

Then, once you had reached the ground, despite the abundance of food available, you were all much more preoccupied with _survival._

Eating for enjoyment never crossed anyone's mind, let alone yours.

Until now, of course.

Whatever you had missed in your last life, you strove to experience it all in this one.

Ice cream. Chocolate. Bacon. Steak. Lamb. Fish.

... _Donuts_.

Oh how you had enjoyed them all.

You scream internally, venting your frustration on a piece of carrot and chewing it aggressively.

You are aware that your preferences have never been the healthiest of sorts, despite your doctor of a mother's insistence on changing your habits.

And it's not as though you are necessarily unhealthy.

Your choice in food has simply never been _conductive_ to a healthy, growing child.

A child who should be _growing_.

Which...comes back to the main problem.

You should be _growing_.

You have to _grow_.

Quickly, if possible.

And eventually taller than Lexa, if possible.

Because darn it Lexa had received a head start already and if you remember correctly she was taller in your last life too, and if you take too long in this one- once Lexa remembers everything she'll laugh a you for being so short and then how will you ever catch up and **c** ome **t** o **t** hink **o** f **i** t **t** hat **g** irl **w** ho **w** anted **t** o **c** onfess **t** o **L** exa **w** as **t** all **t** oo.

...

You shake your head to get rid of the rampant thoughts, only to notice that your dad is laughing yet again as your mom shares with him a look.

You narrow your eyes (hopefully) menacingly before stabbing on a piece of broccoli.

They know the reason behind your current endeavor, and the girl that is the source of it all.

Your parents are not against any of it.

In fact, they support you wholeheartedly (if slightly bemusedly), believing it to be nothing more than a childhood crush.

You don't bother to correct them.

Maybe you really are acting childishly.

Maybe eating healthier to become taller is a bit...extreme.

You can only hope that one day Lexa will be able to appreciate all the trouble you'd gone through for her.

You sigh, burying your desires for soda and reaching forth to grab a glass of milk.

Beside you, Octavia and Raven join your parents in their laughter.

Those traitors.

* * *

You do not take long to come up with a plan.

It occurs to you about a week after your first encounter in this life, that perhaps the first step in decreasing the distance between the two of you would be to attend the same school that she does.

You live in the same district, so eventually you will be attending her school anyway.

The only problem is, you're currently in sixth grade middle school. And from what you've gathered, she's currently in eleventh.

There are more than two years left before you would normally be able to graduate from middle school and move on to high school.

"Normally", however, does not add in the consideration that your memories apparently make you a sort of child genius.

You're not smart like Raven.

No.

But you've experienced more than most adults. Your memories make you wiser. More adaptable.

And the fact that you've gone through school once already makes everything much easier.

You're pretty sure that once you become an adult, everyone will almost catch up to you...education-wise.

Yet currently you know more than a kid your age should.

Not that you've let anyone know, until now.

You choose to carry out your plan in Pike's class.

You've never been fond of him since the beginning, and the horrendous things he eventually did in your past life only served to solidify your hatred towards him.

You never did anything before in this life, because you believe in giving everyone a fresh start.

That doesn't mean you are above giving him hell for the next couple of days in attempt to garner attention from the principal.

* * *

The plan works even smoother than you imagined it would.

You are never overtly disrespectful, of course.

You never do anything to warrant a write up or let him point out your outright rebelling.

Your record is spot clean.

But you also make it known to teachers and students alike that Pike has nothing to offer you in class; nothing he will ever teach that you do not know better than he does.

It is embarrassing for him, of course, and by the end of the week you are sent to Principal Jaha's office.

You demand to be tested out of middle school.

If your parents are surprised they say nothing aside from how proud they are that you're finally interested in your studies and you've aced every one of the exams.

* * *

Your first day as a newly transferred high school freshman, you spend the times between periods making note of the junior hang outs and the location of their classes.

It helps that Wells, as the oldest in your group of friends, is also a student in this school.

He shows you around each class, then at lunch you sit with him and Octavia's older brother, Bellamy.

You imagine catching glimpses of brown and green from the corner of your eyes throughout the day.

Each time leaves your heart racing, each time leaves you distracted.

But you'd turn and the hallway would be empty.

-Or the corner full of chatting students does not have the one you are searching for.

It is only when the bell rings to signal the end of the day that you finally catch sight of Lexa racing through the crowd.

She seems to be in a hurry, longer legs carrying her twice the speed of your eager strides.

You rush right after, screaming and shouting for her to slow down as you tear down the streets in quick pursuit.

You don't expect her to be facing you as you turn the corner, green eyes boring into blue with that familiar cautiously guarded glint you'd once seen in your last life.

You gasp in surprise.

Come to think of it, Lexa has always been very smart.

She probably realized your attention towards her and had it all planned throughout the day.

It's for all the wrong reasons, but your child-mind could not help the internal squee of happiness in the knowledge that she'd been expecting to meet you.

"So. You're the one who pretended to cry when Anya tried to stop you from causing a commotion."

Does she always use that tone of voice for every new person she meets? You wonder.

She might seem tough on the outside, but _this_ Lexa you can handle.

 _This_ Lexa is still the warm and caring girl you've always known.

Your heart bursts with affection, and a smug smile shines on your face as you figure out just how to reply.

"You're the one who accepted the candles when I offered them."

The tell-tale signs of a pink splatters across her cheeks at the mention of the candles, but her expression remains serious as she stares you with suspicion.

"Just who are you? And what do you want from me?"

You answer her truthfully, suspecting that she won't believe your reasons, but unwilling to not at least try.

"I'm Clarke. I like you, and I want to get to know you."

You look at her innocently, throwing in a smile for the added effect to show you have no ill intent.

But of course, Lexa was never one to open easily to people.

Guilt briefly flashes in dark green before her eyes harden and she turns away.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not interested. I'm pretty sure you can find someone friendlier to play with? I have a lot of things to do."

You look at Lexa wonderingly, noting the way she is dressed.

Her words give you an idea.

If she is anything like the girl you once knew, then this Lexa is also a workaholic, caring too much for everyone and working too much for her own good.

Only problem is, district school rules don't let students work on school days.

You cross your arms and face her, giving Lexa your sternest glare.

"You're sneaking off to work, aren't you?"

Delicate eyebrows raise slightly in alarm, and her voice trembles as she sputters out a reply.

"Wh-what? No! How did you..."

You had intended to surprise her a bit.

Yet never have you thought that you would ever see Lexa lose her composure.

Then again, this Lexa has not experienced the things that her past self did; she has more freedom to act like the sixteen year old that she is now.

Unable to bear seeing her so frustrated, you interrupt her by placing a hand on her arm to calm her down.

Your mind races with ways to explain yourself in the most believable manner.

"Look. I'm not gonna tell anyone, okay? I just thought that...Uhm. I'm new to this school. Jumped a few grades, actually. And it's not what I expected. Maybe you can tutor me?"

She pauses, giving you a thoughtful look.

You tilt your head slightly, giving her your best puppy eyes look.

In situations like these, your age should be on your side.

Maybe.

Silently you pray, hoping she'd agree to it.

"I'll sure my parents are willing to pay you for it?"

She seems to be considering the idea, pursing her lips for a long moment, before voicing her question.

"How old are you?"

You break into a smirk, raising one eyebrow in mischief and hand still holding onto her arm.

"Are you asking emotionally? Or physically?"

As you'd hoped, the atmosphere around both of you immediately lightens, and she rolls her eyes.

"So that's a yes to tutoring me, right?"

She nods and you break into smile, jumping up in a cheer.

 _Yes!_

* * *

Phase One- Get Closer: Complete.

Phase Two- Impress Her with your Griffin Charm: In Process

Phase Three- Chase Away all Admirers: Pending?

 **A/N:** Once again, I cannot express enough how thankful I am for all of your reviews/favs/follows. Knowing that people are enjoying and reading your comments inspires me to write. :) If you have any questions/discussion topics or anything, I always reply to reviews or PMs if there is anything you want me to answer? If you don't mind, please use a unique name though (any name is fine, even Anon1234 or something). I am grateful for your reviews, but if you just sign it as Guest, it ends up that I'm not sure which Guest is which.

 **Special Thanks to** : qqwwnghsb, Amy, anazarza166, Lo que te conte ayer, Guest, soulterror, Guest, Guest, and kyoshiob69.

 **soulterror:** Hello again! It's always nice to know that someone who'd read chapter one is back to read chapter two. Thank You so much for the review.

 **anazarza166** : greetings to you too! And thanks for following on AO3

 **kyoshiob69** : I had no idea what a doccubus fic was, but Thank You so much for mentioning it! I did a search online, and now it seems like I have a new series to follow and start watching.


	4. The Number Five

_**Chapter Three: The Number Five**_

 _How long is five years?_

To an elderly woman, perhaps it is only a blink of an eye.

A few pages within the novel she reads,

Or a measure within a song.

To a working adult at his prime...

Five years is probably just an afterthought.

A brief exclamation upon realizing how quickly time passes-

Between getting married, and then having kids...

The years seem to leap by with each cup of coffee, each smile given.

To students, five years might change the course of their life.

Five years can be the difference between having the naive confidence of high schoolers, always believing they're on top of the world-

Or the struggling hesitance of college students, cautiously questioning if each step leads to the right path towards adulthood.

To a younger person, the changes within five years can be even more drastic.

A baby will learn to talk, to crawl, to walk.

A child will learn to read, to reason, to know the difference between right and wrong.

 _How long is five years?_

A lifetime to some.

A heartbeat to others.

As you try to clear your head and sleep, you wonder if time even matters.

Couldn't be.

Not when you fell for her within a short moment.

Not when you were only _with_ her for an hour, before everything crashed and life became merely surviving.

* * *

 _How far is the distance between an eleven year old and a sixteen year old?_

You know that the two of you might as well be separated by the sky and the ground again.

She's always there, far ahead of you, settled within her life.

While you can only stumble and fall, unable to get a hold of your life just yet...

You wonder sometimes, if it has always been that way. Your soul seeking hers.

Following. Chasing. Always on opposite sides-

With her always looking beyond you to that place you cannot see.

 _How different is an eleven year old and a sixteen year old?_

One is an awkward mess of a pre-teen. A fragile bud, not having blossomed into the flower you are meant to be.

The other is about to enter into adulthood. Still considered too young by many, but expected for certain responsibilities.

Your wishes and her own are probably night and day.

While kids your age are still shocked at the sudden lack of a recess starting sixth grade middle school, Lexa and her peers are probably concerned with boy or girlfriends and SATs. College is on the horizon...

 _How can you breach the barriers between an eleven and a sixteen year old?_

There is fearful part deep inside of your child heart that just wants to run away.

The universe made a mistake,

You met her too soon! Come back a few years, and by the time you two are in your twenties and thirties, the differences will not matter.

Yet you know better.

You cannot trust that life will be easy the way it currently is...

Or that it will never take her away from you again.

So you try.

You can do nothing but try.

The more frustrated you are, the more you hide behind a mask of entitled immaturity.

Are you an adult, or a child?

Sometimes you cannot tell the difference.

You let it take over. Your stubbornness or childishness or...whatever it is that keeps you holding together inside.

And by some miracle you manage to persuade her to come back home with you; to introduce her to your parents and hopefully have them agree to hire her as your tutor.

By some miracle you finally get a fighting chance to be with her again.

* * *

 _It went like this:_

Your dad opens the door after a couple seconds ringing, and as Lexa freezes while she introduces herself, your mom ushers everyone in to sit within the living room.

The atmosphere within the house is awkward.

You admonish yourself for not having spoken to your parents about this beforehand.

But then again...it wasn't as though you planned it early on, expected to meet her today, or that she'd even agree.

You cut through the tension with what you do best-

Blue eyes round and twinkling you clasp your hands together and turn towards your parents.

"Mom, Dad...This is Lexa. Can we keep her?"

For a moment Lexa chokes on the iced water she was given, and your parents gape in shock.

"Clarke!" Your mom frowns once she regains her composure. "She's not a stray dog or a cat that you can just bring home!"

"She's even cuter though," You grin, before explaining, "And I meant keeping her as my tutor. I just found out that jumping grades is no easy task, and it would help me a lot to have someone in a higher grade to guide me through."

Dad turns to her kindly.

"What grade are you in, Lexa?"

She glances at him shyly before answering, and the conversation becomes smoother from there.

Despite being slightly skeptical at first, your mom eventually warms up to the idea of paying her to be a babysitter and tutor of sorts.

The only thing she insisted was that every tutoring session would take place at your house.

Lexa had no reason to disagree.

* * *

That was almost a week ago though.

And whatever you may have imagined, thinking that she'd spend more time with you, never happened.

You develop a habit of climbing on one of the school trees with the excuse that the way the sun shines on it gives you the best lighting for drawing.

You never mention to anyone that you also search for brunette locks using the height advantage.

What you've come to realize is that Lexa rushes from the school after extracurricular activities exactly one hour after school ends every day.

Sometimes she'd head in one direction. Some days she'd race to the other.

By the look of it, she's off to a part time job of some sort.

But why so often? And potentially several different ones?

Or was she doing something secret that-

A flash of familiar long hair at the bottom of the tree distracts you from your thoughts.

You look down to see Anya staring at you, eyes narrowed and arms crossed.

She seems as grouchy as ever, watching you as you wince internally, bracing yourself for the encounter before jumping from the branch you've been spying relaxing on.

"I'm onto you, kid. What do you intend to do, playing around with Lexa like that?"

You scoff, raising one of your eyebrows.

"What can I do? I'm only eleven."

She reaches over to grab one of your ears roughly, trying to pull you towards a quieter place.

"I know. I also know that you're a devil-delinquent of a child genius. Whatever you're planning in that mind of yours can't be good. I'm telling you to leave Lexa alone. She has enough to worry about without you bothering her all the time."

You glare at her. Whatever she's trying to do, picking on someone younger like that is never right, never mind how old you are inside.

Does she do that to other kids, too?

Taking a deep breath, you start yelling.

"High school teen beating up an eleven year old kid! High school teen beating a little kid!"

Frantically, she tries you quiet you by covering your mouth with her right hand.

You waste no time to bite down.

"Ouch! What are you-!?" she screams, looking at you as though you are crazy.

You grin in satisfaction as the people around you begin to gather and Anya pulls quickly away.

"I mean, high school teen _treating_ eleven year old kid. You promised ice cream, yes?"

You smirk, while Anya looks between you and the people gathering, before nodding once.

As the crowd disperses she faces you again.

"What do you want?"

You fight the urge to roll your eyes.

"What's between Lexa and me is none of your business. Besides, she's agreed to be my tutor. We're _supposed_ to spend time together."

Or well, that was the aim, except you'd only been looking at her from afar while she heads off wherever it is every day instead of spending time with you.

Anya merely frowns.

"Of course it's my business. She's my best friend. She doesn't open up easily, and whatever you're trying, I'm not going to let a brat like you hurt her once you decide she's no longer fun to play with."

You want to question her strange mentality. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

-The older person taking advantage of the younger one because the kid doesn't know better?

But the more you think about it, the more Anya's words make sense.

You were the one who kept on following Lexa since the beginning.

And Lexa...

This life and the last, the girl is much too kind for her own good.

Despite the tough exterior, despite her closed-off nature, Lexa has a difficult time letting people in because she cares too much.

Once someone has broken through her shell, she is completely at their mercy.

People like her will get hurt too easily. Anya is right in trying to protect her.

You've never imagined that there would be anyone who would love Lexa almost as much as you do, so the realization warms you a little to the girl scowling before you.

Lexa deserves love.

She deserves all the love she can get.

You look at Anya with a different light, annoyance turning into appreciation at her concern.

"Look. I'm not going to hurt her, okay? I can't really explain to you why, but I care for her deeply. I might be a bit young, and I might joke around too much when I'm nervous, but in the end all I want is to be close to her. Don't you want her to have more friends?"

Not expecting the sincere admission of your feelings, Anya studies you for a moment, recognizing how the look in your eyes matches her own.

You smile, extending a hand.

"We'll protect her together, okay?"

She hesitates briefly before nodding, reaching over to shake your hand.

Your smile turns into a grin.

"Now about that ice cream you owe me..."

She groans.

"You're an odd kid."

You skip down the street happily, catching sight of the growing amusement in her eyes.

As she joins you along the street, you vow to make her tell you all the locations of Lexa's work places.

Having Anya as an ally might be useful in the long run.

For now, treating yourself to ice cream today wouldn't hurt your chances of growing, right?

Right?

You shake away the voice in your head that sounds suspiciously like your mom's.

Sugar can shut down the human growth hormone.

Darn it.

* * *

Things go well between you and Anya from then on.

At the beginning of the next week, to your surprise and delight, rather than hurrying away that evening, Lexa walks towards your direction.

"Hey," she says, calmly approaching your tree.

Surprised, your footing slips, and you fall.

"Ah!"

When you open your eyes again she is crouching beside you, green eyes shining with worry.

"Are you alright?" she asks.

Despite the sharp pain running down your elbow from your left shoulder, you break into a smile at her closeness.

"You can kiss it better?"

You wink, tilting your right cheek towards her.

She huffs before reaching to help you stand back up.

"You don't have to do that, you know?" she murmurs, and you raise an eyebrow, confused.

"Hmm?"

"You don't need to say things like that, or hide behind a smart mouth. Just be who you are."

For some reason your heart starts racing.

Can you dare to hope?

"How would you know how I'm supposed to be?"

She shrugs.

"I don't. I just have a feeling that you're lonely. Different. Like me."

She turns slightly away, cheeks darkening a bit as she mutters.

"I've been busy. But I've seen you on the tree every day, always drawing by yourself. But I'm here now, so..."

What she is hesitantly offering isn't what you wished for before meeting her again, but it is still better than what you had allowed yourself to hope for the past few weeks.

You might have everyone fooled, but Lexa is no fool.

Maybe you didn't trick her into tutoring you after all.

Maybe...she did it because she wanted to.

Your love for her grows as she drifts off in her speech.

"Let's go. We have a tutoring date to get to."

She shakes her head in resignation, smiling slightly as you pull her along with you.

* * *

Perhaps the way into Lexa's heart is different from what you thought after all.

 _How far in age is an eleven year old and a sixteen year old?_

When it comes to love...

Or personalities. Or destinies. Or the most important things in life-

Just maybe, you are closer to her than you thought.

You still understand each other best, after all.

* * *

 **A/N:** As always, many many Thanks to all of the reviews/favs/follows. I am always delighted to hear from you; seeing your reviews and favs gives me a lot of encouragement to continue.

 **Special Thanks to:** Nindira, soulterror, katharosxg, cheekymadom, Lo que te conte ayer, and NorwegianHotness.

 **Nindira:** Yes, the story will follow Clarke throughout the years as she gets older. The only thing is though, I don't plan for the story to follow a very linear timeline, so we'll be seeing her as a child for a while, then a couple of chapters on her teenage years, and finally a small time jump to an adult.

 **soulterror:** And yet again, Thank You for reading and reviewing :) Hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as the last.

 **katharosxg, cheekymadom, Lo que te conte ayer, and NorwegianHotness:** Thanks so much for your kind words :) I'm glad you're enjoying the story.


	5. Meant to Be

**A/N:** Before we start the chapter, there is something I would like to clarify regarding Clarke and her age. So far, what we have seen from her is that despite being only eleven years old, Clarke is quite clever- partially due to the fact that she has retained all of her past life's memories. On the most basic level of her soul, the Clarke we have here is no different from the Clarke we all know and love from the 100. She's smart. She's caring. She's loyal. She's artistic and full of light and love and...all the good things we are used to.

On the other hand, experience is what makes a person. She has the memories of old Clarke, but physically she's also a child. Her experiences with her current life is that of a happy child with parents and friends who are constantly, lovingly by her side. She knows she's young enough to get away with things, and after the horrific experiences she had in her previous life, she knows she should take full advantage of this chance to truly find freedom- to have fun, and be the child she was never allowed to be before.

Thus we end up with an odd combination. On one hand Clarke's physical and mental capacity is that of a child. On the other hand, her soul is older, and she can remember being a young adult. Add everything together and you get a Clarke who is wise and kind and mature in certain aspects, but also very clever and mischievous and childish...or even spoiled and bratty at times.

In fact, the adult in her doesn't quite know what to do with her childish self, so when she's nervous or emotional, she hides behind her childishness and her smart mouth, using it to throw people off. It's also somewhat of an automatic response. She reverts back to her child mindset when her adult self is unable to process something. Despite not truly knowing why, Lexa recognizes Clarke's attempts at flirty/witty remarks for what they are, perhaps because they are both different and separate from most people in their own ways. That's why in the last chapter, Lexa told Clarke to just be herself instead of trying to be the adult that she isn't- nor the normal child that most kids her age would have been. Just be herself, is the key.

Despite how fun it is to portray mischievous and witty kid!Clarke, over the next chapters we will start to see changes that Lexa brings in her. This one might be a bit...sadder than usual. There will till be fluff next chapter, but eventually Clarke will have to grow and develop as a character. (Maybe not too fast just yet. But still...)

Anyway. Happy reading! I didn't manage to update early this time, and it won't be a very happy chapter...but! The extra length should make up for everything, yes?

 _ **Chapter Four: Meant to Be**_

It's not entirely healthy, this obsession you have with Lexa.

It's not entirely sane either.

How do you explain missing someone before you've even met them?

Or loving someone before you've learned who they are in this life?

You tell yourself that perhaps everything is meant to be.

 _Lexa is your soulmate,_

-and you were given another chance for a reason.

You remember everything because you are meant to right the wrongs in your past life with Lexa.

You met her again because the universe wants you to be with her.

You will live this life with no regrets, and she will no doubt fall in love with you again.

Or at least...that is the general idea.

But giving yourself a reason to love her is easy.

Believing that she will love much-too-young-and-childish-you is a different story.

The main worry is then...

 _What will you do if Lexa never loves you back?_

 _Did you have everything wrong from the beginning?_

 _How do you keep living this way, identifying yourself solely with your love for her?_

 _Is that living at all?_

* * *

Over the next several months, Lexa would come to your house once every few days for tutoring.

It is clear to the both of you that you don't really need it, yet your heart warms when Lexa makes an effort to spend that time with you anyway.

You grow closer. But like everyone else she continues to treat you like the child you are.

Still, you are hopeful that eventually you'd become as important to her as you once were.

Sometimes you'd drop by one of her part time jobs, and she'd walk you home once she's off from work.

You continue to wonder why she works so often, yet she merely shakes her head when you ask.

Anya tells you that Lexa uses the money to go on trips.

Ever since they've known each other, Lexa has always had a desire for travel off by herself.

You soon find out that it seems to correlate with Lexa's habit of looking into the distance.

She's always searching for something.

 _You like to assume that is you._

Anya says it's stupid that Lexa has closed herself off in favor of chasing something that isn't there.

But a part of you understands the feeling.

You'd felt that way before you met her again in this life, and even now there is an empty part of you that constantly wishes for her to finally remember.

It's always there. The desire to just run off to find the past-life-Lexa you've always been waiting for.

So you hope.

So you pray.

You wish that what the two of your are feeling is the same, and that she's been searching for past-you even if she doesn't know it.

She'll love you again, even if she doesn't know it.

 _That is how soulmates work, isn't it?_

All in all, life passes by slowly but peacefully.

The fall reason comes and goes.

You can't wait to grow older.

 _Lexa is your soulmate. That is all you will trust in._

* * *

When the first seasonal rains arrive, three months after you've met the love of all your lives...

You notice a girl sitting at the corner of the coffee shop, eyeing Lexa while she works.

The girl looks about eighteen or nineteen.

Pale white skin, with short hair as dark as night and eyes glimmering gentler than moonlight.

You're pretty sure you've met all of Lexa's friends by now, but you don't recognize the girl from this life nor the last, so you ignore her as just another enamored customer, perhaps-

Until the same girl returns the next day, and the day after that, always looking at Lexa with fondness in her dark brown eyes.

 _Looking at Lexa the same way you do._

It bothers you in a way you don't understand.

You feel like she's... _someone_ to Lexa, and you have a small inkling as to who she is.

An echo of the Lexa from long ago whispers in your ears.

 _"Because she was mine, they tortured her. Killed her."_

 _..."Because she was mine."_

Normally, you'd prank the hell out of Lexa's potential suitors the moment you see them.

But this one is different.

This girl has an air of warmth around her, and in the light dust of pink on her cheeks that shows how she cares.

You try not to think about how Lexa must have loved her once.

Yet you can't bring your heart to chase her away.

Lexa, of course, is oblivious to it all.

* * *

As Lexa walks you back home one day, you bring up the subject of past loves and how Octavia's mom is remarrying seven years after her dad's death.

"Who do you think she loves more?" you ask, fiddling with the stick on your hands to mask your nervousness.

You pretend to be less bothered by it than you are, swinging the small tree branch to and fro like a sword.

You'd always assumed that Lexa was meant for you, just as how you were meant for her.

But there was someone before you, wasn't it?

Someone Lexa had promised herself to.

 _And if she's here too, then..._

You continue rambling, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in your chest as you think of the girl in the coffee shop.

"I mean...it would be different if he was just a boyfriend or something. But Octavia's parents were married for a long time. They'd promised each other forever."

Lexa stops walking to silently examine you, before turning to the sky with an unreadable expression on her face.

"I think that at each point in a person's life...there is someone who means the most to them. But life sometimes pull people apart, and the person we are inside constantly changes. Someone who used to fit with you, might one day become incompatible. Just because she's moved on doesn't make her love with Octavia's dad any less true. After all, falling in love once is a wonderful thing. But the person who is able to touch your heart even after it's been scarred and damaged by love...the person who is able to open it back up again...isn't that love meaningful too?"

She kneels down, ruffling your hair despite your protests.

"You're still young, Clarke. The media might glorify it a lot, but don't be so concentrated on just love."

You stick your tongue out at her in annoyance with both her words and actions, and she stands back up, grimacing slightly.

"I'm not saying that love isn't important. I'm just saying that...isn't it more important to know yourself first? To know who you are, and how to love yourself before trying to love someone else."

She smiles at you, and you frown.

She's right.

You hate it when she's right.

You pout, grabbing one of her arms and clinging to it as you pull her down the street.

"You're just saying that because you think I don't know what love is when I tell you I love you. Just you wait. One day I'm gonna grow. And you'll suddenly realize how well we fit together. Only, I'd be too angry at you by then, and you'll have a hard time getting me back."

She laughs at your words, not bothering to pull away.

"You've been reading fanfiction again?"

"Shut up!"

You groan. Even as you grumble and whine, you marvel at how much more relaxed she seems to be around you nowadays.

She continues speaking, and with her voice soft and thoughtful, you feel like you can listen to her forever.

"I didn't mean it like that, Clarke. I just meant...Love isn't something you should force. If you don't fit together anymore, then you shouldn't try to change yourself so you'd fit with them. Wouldn't it be better to be with someone who can change alongside you, who can accept you no matter how you change?"

You don't know why, but soulmate or not, you find yourself loving her even more after that.

The next morning, you ask for donuts before school.

When Mom raises her eyebrows in question, you merely shrug, grabbing two before running away.

* * *

On the inevitable evening the girl chooses to finally approach Lexa for a small chat, you leave the coffee shop with heavy heart.

You glare at the small smile on Lexa's lips, and the tiny note with a phone number in her hands.

The word _Costia_ sears into your mind.

It is her after all.

Perhaps she is Lexa's true _soulmate._

She's in the right place, at the right time, with the right age.

You've been such a fool.

You dash into the rain, slamming the door before Lexa can stop you.

"Clarke, wait!"

You stomp your way down the street, ignoring Lexa's calls as she rushes after you with an umbrella.

"Leave me alone!" you cry.

Had it been any other time, you probably would be rejoicing to have her chase after you.

Had it been any other time, her holding an umbrella above you would bring joy to your heart.

Now, however, you push her away, anger burning through your veins.

She sighs, moving to cover you with the umbrella again.

"Clarke. You can't just run off like that. What will I say to your parents if something happens to you?"

Unable to control yourself, you scream at her.

"That's all I am to you, isn't it? I'm just a brat who you get paid to look after. A kid who always clings to you and doesn't know better. You're going to leave me as soon as you get the chance!"

You're aware that you're not truly angry at Lexa.

And maybe, you're not even angry at Costia.

Never before have you hated your age more than now.

Just when you thought that happiness could be possible, fate gives you an unfair, losing hand.

You glare at her bitterly, expecting her to either leave or lash out at your unjustified anger.

But Lexa, always calm Lexa, simply rolls her eyes and throws the umbrella to the ground.

Without hesitation, she jumps into a puddle near you, spraying you both with water.

"Ahhh!"

You squeak.

In the rain, her green eyes shine like emeralds.

"There. Happy?" she laughs.

Before you can stop her, she jumps into another one, spraying the both of you once again.

As if the water falling from the sky isn't enough to soak you already.

You growl, chasing after her, bitter thoughts momentarily forgotten while you take turns jumping into the puddles on the way to your house.

You don't say anything else that night.

You didn't have to.

Before she leaves, Lexa pulls you into a hug, patting your hair fondly.

"It's a good thing to be young, Clarke. Never forget that. You'll be okay." she says.

And even as your mom fusses on you for getting wet, Lexa's warmth stays with you for a long time.

It assures you that everything will be okay.

...

Except it isn't.

Nothing is okay, and the next couple of days Lexa doesn't show up at school.

She doesn't show up at work, either.

By the fourth day you confront Anya about it, worried out of your mind whether she'd run off on one of her trips again, or maybe Costia's taken her away.

Anya taps her feet in annoyance.

"She's been sick. You didn't know?"

The words throw your world upside down.

* * *

 _You run._

What is love, really?

What are soulmates?

Is it the belief that the two of your are "meant to be"?

Or the memories you have that somehow entitles her to you?

It started with good intentions.

You have memories of a past life, and you set yourself on a journey to fix your previous mistakes in this one.

It helps that the idea of meeting a past lover who'd sacrificed her life for you... is a romantic one.

How perfect would it be if she remembers everything again, and the two of you stay together forever?

What a fairy tale ending it would be, for her to grow old with you?

 _You run._

All this time, the one making you seem like a child is none other than yourself.

Childishly possessive.

Childishly selfish.

Childishly only thinking of only what _you_ feel.

So what if Costia has found her again?

So what if Lexa chooses Costia over you?

 _What will you do if Lexa never loves you back?_

You'd love her just the same, wouldn't you?

It never occurs to you that Lexa could get sick at all.

You should know better.

You should never have expected her to always be invincible. Untouchable.

Once Anya gives you a key and her address, you rush to her apartment right after school.

 _You run._

The room is dark and cold while Lexa lays in bed, sleeping.

You set the soup you've brought onto a table, before moving closer to press a hand onto her skin.

She's burning up, and your fingers shake while you run over to wet a small towel and place it on her forehead.

The only other time you've seen her to weak was in that life-

And at that moment was the last you ever saw her.

The whirlwind of the past few days catch up to your young mind, and as you sit beside her unconscious form, you start to cry.

You shouldn't hold on to those memories at all.

You shouldn't worry about your age, or worry about if she would remember.

Love is...

Her smile. Her kindness.

Her warmth.

 _What will you do if Lexa never loves you back?_

Surely,

Love is...

Accepting who she is now.

You shouldn't be chasing the people she loves away.

You shouldn't throw tantrums on her for no reason, chasing after a Lexa that no longer exists.

You'll give her your all, even if she doesn't choose you in the end.

Because you'd said it before.

Lexa deserves love. She deserves people who love her. Lexa deserves everything.

"I'm sorry, Lexa," you whisper.

You reach over take her hand in yours, nuzzling into it as you kneel beside her bed.

Soulmate or not, you vow to fight for her with all that you have, and never take her for granted ever again.

"Please get better soon."

As you drift off to sleep you feel someone carrying you onto the mattress.

And it might just be a dream, but Lexa lays down beside you, green eyes dark with emotion.

"You _are_ a kid, Clarke. Silly kid. Silly, silly girl. But I've never had anyone care for me as much as you do. So Thank You, Clarke. I'm not sure what you were afraid of, but...I will never abandon you. I promise you that."

You smile, snuggling into dream-Lexa as the both of you falls asleep.

* * *

Lexa makes a full recovery the week after.

As she works at the counter, you decide to confront Costia in the corner of the coffee shop.

The older girl turns to you when you gently tap on her shoulder, delicate eyebrows arched in surprise.

"My name is Clarke Griffin. You're Costia, right?"

Costia nods, smiling politely.

"Hi, Clarke. How may I help you?"

You give Lexa a swift glance, and she follows your line of sight questioningly.

"You know Lexa?" she questions.

You take a deep breath, staring at her straight in the eyes.

"I know Lexa. And I know you like her."

She looks flustered, but determinedly does not deny it.

You clear your throat before continuing.

"Well, I love Lexa. And I don't like sharing. So I'm issuing you a challenge. We'll vie for her affections her fairly. Ultimately, whoever she chooses in the end, the other person has to accept the decision without hurting her in the process. No hard feelings, no making it difficult for her, okay?"

She stares at you incredulously, speechless for a second before turning to look around her.

"You're joking, right?"

You shrug.

"Take it however you want. That's all I have to say."

You leave her there, calling out to Lexa- whose work is done- to walk home together.

Smugly, you leave with her hand in hand, feeling Costia's eyes on you the entire way.

* * *

May the best girl win.

But you're not Clarke Griffin for nothing.

* * *

 **A/N:** Once again, Thank You for all of your reviews/favs/follows, etc. I keep saying it because it's true. Your comments and support keeps me inspired to continue. So Thank You, Thank You.

Don't worry about Costia too much yet, yes? With her new resolve, Clarke will be back to her clever, cheery self next chapter. Poor Lexa, of course...is just clueless to the war going on.

 **Special Thanks To:** soulterror, qqwwnghsb, Nindira, Guest, Rayvee, Interp86, NorwegianHotness, Jimena, cyntiacsd, Guest, and cheekymadom

 **soulterror:** I am so, so happy to know that you loved the last chapter. :) I really like the idea of Clarke and Anya being friends, so they should be able to share more scenes in the future. Thank You so much for reading, and for such a nice review.

 **qqwwnghsb** , **Nindira** , **Guest, Jimena, cyntiacsd, Guest,** and **cheekymadom** : Thank You so much again, for reading and for the nice review :)

 **Rayvee:** Thanks for reading and for the review! Regarding your question, the entire story will be through Clarke's POV, so there actually won't be any third-person POV scenes. :) It's a new style I'm working on, and I'm hoping it will work out in the end. Since we're reading through Clarke's thoughts, character development and relationships will only be focused on Clarke herself. She and her object of affections will be the one with most focus, and she will get the most development- as we will be with her while she grows up. If any other character is developed, they will develop through Clarke's eyes. Also, if there are any other couples, they would also only be seen through Clarke's eyes and her thoughts and feelings on the matter.

 **Interp86:** Thank You for giving this story a chance :)

 **NorwegianHotness:** Thank You for reading! :) Clarke's character is actually very fun to write. I'm not sure how she turned out so cute and sneaky either ;)


	6. High Expectations

_**Chapter Five: High Expectations**_

Lexa, you find, is really good at learning new languages.

In her past life, she was fluent in Trigedasleng as well a English. In this one, she knows four more.

So as you struggle to vocalize your French (in your defense, you never needed to have a language class during your previous lifetime!), she reads through Russian and writes in Spanish with no effort at all.

During one tutoring session you point out how much she seems to enjoy learning these things, and Lexa turns to you with a thoughtful expression.

"To study a language is to not only study the vocabulary and grammar that makes up a phrase- but also to understand the meaning of why certain words came to be the way they are. A whole culture, in essence, is reflected in the language their people use. Learning about these things helps me learn more about the people behind it all, too. It makes me feel closer to them."

"Give me an example of a word with an underlying meaning in Chinese," you say, glancing at her current language of focus.

In these moments, you can almost glimpse the Commander from your past life in her eyes.

Lexa, always a people person. Always thinking of people as a group, as a whole.

Always caring for people, no matter how reserved and closed off she may seem.

She ponders for a moment, before speaking.

 _"Guǎrén._ The 'royal we'. Some of the Chinese Emperors used to call themselves _Guǎrén._ The word is made up of two parts. _Guǎ_ as in 'few' or 'lone', and _rén_ as in 'man'. The Chinese Emperor used to call himself _Guǎrén_ because they believed that to be emperor is to be alone. To be a leader is to stand above all the rest, to be closed off from everyone. To be alone."

Interesting choice of words, you think, and as you look back at her sometimes you can't help but wonder if maybe Lexa remembers a bit of her past life.

 _To be Commander is to be alone too, yes? To be separated from everyone else._

You just hope she doesn't feel that way, with you by her side.

 _/Not everyone. Not you./_

Her voice forever echoes in your heart.

You can be alone together.

* * *

It has taken you a couple of months to realize how active Lexa is in school.

You don't expect any less from her, given how dedicated she is in everything she does.

But you continue to be impressed nonetheless.

She's part of the student council. Captain of the high school mixed martial arts team. President of the National Honors Society. Star of the theater club.

She's an all-around, perfect student. Which is why the large amount of admirers constantly surrounding her doesn't come as a surprise to you.

This life as well as the last...

Lexa always burns with intent to shine brighter than the rest, to achieve the highest that she can.

Like the candles she seems to enjoy so much, her inner fire attracts everyone like moth to flame.

What does surprise you, however, is her clueless-ness towards other people's admiration.

It isn't as though she's dense, or careless to the point of not noticing the attention she is receiving.

No.

It's almost as if, she recognizes it in an abstract, detached kind of way.

She appreciates and shows gratefulness for loving gestures. She believes them to be acts of thoughtfulness, or kindness.

And yet, Lexa has trouble believing that anyone would love _**her.**_

Perhaps through some sort of lingering after-effect from her lonely past life, Lexa is unable to comprehend why love would be directed towards her at all.

 _Guǎrén_ indeed.

* * *

Despite how much love you want her to receive, in a way Lexa's obliviousness to other people's affections helps makes things a lot simpler for you.

For one, you feel less guilty being the Third Wheel Extraordinaire:

Her partners during after school martial arts sessions would find themselves occasionally hit by an errant shuttlecock if they remain too close to her.

Because _of course_ badminton practice sessions occur at the same hour in the same Gym. _Of course_ you are a part of the team even though you're _terrible_ at it.

No, the main characters in the next school play do not kiss.

The theater teacher had thoroughly enjoyed your last-minute suggestion for the male character's blonde little sister to interrupt in comedic fashion during that last scene where Lexa's character finally remembers everything.

And lastly, it was definitely not your fault that despite the number of guys and girls hoping to pair up with Lexa on the roller-coaster during the school field trip, she had to stay behind and watch you because you were much too short to take part.

It was not your fault either that during the trip back, no one but Lexa would sit with you on the field trip bus. You are much younger than the high-schoolers around and much more easily tired. Falling asleep and drooling on your seatmate is out of your control.

Never-mind that you don't sleep at all when she sits beside you.

* * *

You diminish the ranks of Lexa's admirers easily.

Costia, however, is in a different category altogether.

True to your words, you make no unfair attempt in driving her away.

To her credit, once Costia is sure that you were not joking about Lexa, she keeps a respectful-if-slightly-awkward attitude whenever the three of you are together.

Trust Lexa to have such a perfectly angelic and sweet past girlfriend.

If she was a horrible person, you'd have a much easier time.

 _Then again, would Lexa love anyone any less?_

The two of you are as different as night and day.

Costia is delicate and soft spoken.

You are passionate and brash.

Costia is a poet, a shy romantic musician.

You are blatantly straightforward, and your art is most focused on realism.

She has an air about her that makes you want to care for and protect her.

And you...well.

You usually do the protecting yourself.

You can see what past-Lexa saw in her. See why Lexa may have loved her. See why Lexa may grow to love her again.

Still, you are not about to lose to Costia.

For once, you think that perhaps the universe isn't playing a joke on you with your age after all.

What you soon realize is that the problem with your age difference works both ways.

On one hand, you and Lexa have a larger age gap of five years. You are still a child, while both she and Lexa have emerged spectacularly from puberty and for the most part have entered into early adulthood.

On the other hand, both you and Lexa are minors.

Costia is almost nineteen. Attempting anything beyond platonic with Lexa could be illegal.

For the moment all of you are simply...friends.

Lexa is not interested in more for now anyway.

But as always, you are not beneath using age to your advantage.

* * *

It all comes to a head one evening.

Right after the last school bell rings, since there are no club activities on that day, Lexa is prepared to go straight to work.

Not uncommonly, you stick around after school ends to walk there with her.

Only...

On that day Costia decides to drop by to do the same.

You all make small talk as you amble down the streets, when suddenly you notice Costia eyeing Lexa's hands longingly.

Closer and closer she moves- with Lexa oblivious to the war going on between the two of you.

You know what she's planning.

Lexa makes a comment on how delightful the pine trees smell right after it rains, and you narrow your eyes when their shoulders are almost touching.

Costia's hands quiver shyly, inching forth.

You rush past them towards the crosswalk before she can make her move.

"Hey Lexa!" you say.

You extend your right hand while Lexa's eyebrows raise questioningly.

"Hmm?"

"You know that you're supposed to always hold kids' hands when you walk them across the road, right?"

Lexa looks at you suspiciously for a moment, but when you do nothing more than smile innocently with head slightly tilted, she shrugs and takes your hand.

The two of you cross the road together, with Costia walking behind looking as though she's torn between disappointment and amusement.

Once you've all crossed the road safely she speaks up.

"Clarke. Aren't you a little old for holding hands?"

You grip Lexa's hand tighter, weaving your much smaller fingers between hers but making sure to keep your voice nonchalant as you reply.

"Oh, I know. I just wanna check to see how our hands fit together. ' _Les mains dans les mains restons face à face_.' "

You wink with an exaggerated grin.

As always, Lexa rolls her eyes, seemingly in exasperation.

But she doesn't attempt to pull away.

From the slightly impressed gleam in her eyes, she recognizes the phrase from a French poem she'd read to you once.

The poem's meaning doesn't really fit this situation at all.

But then again, that phrase does.

 _'Hand in hand, resting face to face...'_

Triumphant, you continue. "I'm still growing into it, but I'm going to hold her hands until we both grow old and grey...I'll be with her every step of the way."

As Costia stares at you in puzzled amazement, you grin and ask Lexa to switch sides, still holding on to one of her hands.

"Lexaaaa...move to the inside of the road. It's safer that way."

Your beloved brunette groans.

"Shouldn't you be on the inside? You're younger."

* * *

The rest of the trip you keep a smug grin on your lips.

Clarke 1. Costia 0.

They might not think that you get it, or that you're trying to be overly dramatic- which you are, oddly, to make light of the situation.

But you meant what you said about holding onto her forever.

You keep holding Lexa's hands during your walks from then on.

Lexa...

Doesn't seem to mind.

* * *

As the days pass by, you strive to learn things that Costia might have known and done in that past life but you never did.

For your birthday present, you ask Lexa to teach you how to braid her hair the way she keeps it on occasion.

You sit with her in front of you in her apartment living room; Lexa trying to give out instructions despite not seeing the mess you've made of her back.

Her braiding style proves to be really difficult.

It doesn't help that your hand is small and clumsy.

It doesn't help that you get even more nervous with someone watching.

Anya passes by through the hallway, taking one glance at it before declaring, "You both look stupid."

You throw a pillow at her.

She nearly dies laughing.

...You throw another pillow at Anya again later that night, when she tells you that the new height measurements show how Lexa had grown a couple of inches this past year, while you remain the same.

Darn it.

You had high expectations.

If only Lexa would stop growing taller.

* * *

 **A/N:** I can't believe it's been a month since I've last updated. The goal was to update weekly or bi-weekly :( But then I moved, and I had to get internet at the new place. Then school started...and doctoral programs are no joke. I've been so homesick and lonely too. New city and everything. I don't know many people here yet. :(

It's all such a huge adjustment for me, but everyone's support here has been...Wow. Thank You so much for all of your reviews, favs, follows, etc. I can't say enough on how seeing your comments and everything has helped me throughout this challenging and busy month. -sends hugs all around and bows in regret for the delay-

I'm still going to be pretty busy with exams coming up every week, so I can't really aim for scheduled weekly updates anymore. But! I promise to try for updates as soon as I can (while hopefully still keeping the quality and not rushing it, yes?). Hopefully I won' take more than a month if I can help it. My current goal is about 2-3 weeks. Hopefully. Please bear with me. :)

 **Special Thanks To:** xx-Belikovforlife-xx, edy, bejasteyuj, NorwegianHotness, Rayvee, starperformer4343, cheekymadom, Lo que te conte ayer, Guest, qqwwnghsb, soulterror, Otouwa Yanney, Guest

 **xx-Belikovforlife-xx, , edy, bejasteyuj, starperformer4343, cheekymadom** , and **Guest:** Thanks again for reading and for leaving such kind reviews! :)

 **NorwegianHotness:** I am so glad you enjoyed Costia's appearance! :) She's such a sweet character, and her being in the picture will prod Clarke into a lot of changes. Anyway, Thank you for the nice review.

 **Rayvee:** Wow. Thank You for such a nice and flattering review. I do regret such a delay in posting and replying to this, but to answer your question...yes, I also post this on AO3. The chapters there are actually a bit ahead of this one.

 **Lo que te conte ayer:** What you said does make total sense, and I agree :) I quite like the way she loves too (even if I might...still tweak it a bit, because she's still quite young and innocent in that love right now). Thanks for reading and for reviewing :)

 **Guest:** Thank You for reading and for the review! As for the time jump... it might take a while yet, so Thank You for your patience :)

 **qqwwnghsb:** As always, Thank You so much for the review and for reading. I'm sorry for such a late update. I've moved recently and now since school has started, I've been busy with exams.

 **soulterror:** Hello again! :) As always, Thank You for reading and for the lovely review. I'm sorry for the lateness in updating :(

 **Otouwa Yanney:** Sorry for the late reply, but to answer your question- since this is in Clarke's POV, we will never know more than what she knows. For now she only knows herself to be the one with past memories. ;) I can't say too much on whether Lexa or anyone else will remember due to fear of spoilers, but I can say that most will not remember. Thanks for reading and reviewing :)


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